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js0292

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(no subject) [May. 9th, 2009|01:40 am]
js0292
i was talking to alex the other night and he made me realize that maybe all this time me writing on this was my way of venting and its not lame. so i decided to take it the next step and oonvert all my postings to paper, and continue writing in the journal. i like looking back and seeing the ups and downs of my life. i try to stay posotive but of recent i dont know how. i still havent found a hobby and it sucks. i dont go to school anymore due to absences, whatever thats my fault. adleast i can say that i realized what i want out of life and i know how i feel. all i really want from my life is what i feel everyone wants and thats just to love somebody unconditionally and have that love returned. Loves just something thats not easy to come by. MY feelings have been so negative. i get the feeling that no matter how much i search or try no ones every going to truly understand me. I dont think i fit in with anybody and its sad. i dread that i only understand myself and that im just going to hold in all my emotions and thought to myself because its not worth the ridicule i get from my "friends" i really dont even know who my friends are. Deep down i dont trust anyone or consider anyone my bestfriend. im basically alone just weathering the storm by myself. its gets me down sometimes feeling that im abnormal and just cant fit in amongst everyone in this world. i keep trying though searching for the exceptance from my peers that i seek but will probably never get.
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(no subject) [Mar. 23rd, 2009|12:07 am]
js0292
[Current Mood |worriedworried]
[Current Music |silverstein- apologize]

where to begin.... im on my second semester of school i feel.. well i hope im doing better so i can make something of myself. a lots been going on but none of its really important. i guess where id start is i dont really hangout with a lot of people anymore. tommy drifts further from being my friend every week. he hangs with a new crowd and gets high and drunk with them all the time. i worry that hes gonna become someone totally different. i smoked weed and at first i thought i liked it. till i got high again and i freaked out i cant desrcibe how i fealt but my brain wouldnt slow down and the thoughs pumping through it wouldnt stop. i fealt like a wreck for that whole time period that was lastnight. i still feel horrible i hope i can sleep this off. im never smoking again. im not gonna claim straight nedge but im never gonna drink or do any drugs again. this was the scariest feeling ive had. other than that not much has chnaged im still with katie. all though i really think i like tommys cousin katie booth. i dont what it is that i am so infatuated with shes cute but shes not like gorgeous and shes got some attitude, but theres somethin about her i really dig. i kissed her when we hungout and im nervous about liking her. i talk to her sister lacie a lot shes 22 she was friends with chelsey but not anymore. shes really nice to talk to. she lets me complain n vent a lot and she just listens haha
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(no subject) [Dec. 30th, 2008|07:00 pm]
js0292
[Current Mood |enragedenraged]
[Current Music |bayside- they looked like strong hands]

i guess a lots changed. from the past 5 weeks i can say ive done some stupid stuff. i got with this girl becky it was a dumb thing. that was like a two week fling. after that i told her i didnt want any commitment and that i didnt like her. so we stopped talking im fine with that i didnt really care anyways. me and katie got back together. i admit i like her and she cares for me. i feel like im hurting her more in the end though. christmas was alright i got a laptop and clothes and money so i cant compplain. lately ive been pretty happy i suppose. today im just really enraged by how shitty a friend can be. this kid i became descent friends with andy is now talkin to julie and trying to get at her. i kno it sounds like he has a right to but he was hooking up with this girl abby and this kid who hes not friends with told him he was in love with her so andy laid off. and me his actual friend who he knows is head over heels for julie, he ignores. he doesnt seem to give a shit hes trying to get at her regardless of my feelings. i havent said anything to him but as far as im concerned hes dead to me and im gonna keep it that way. If he confronts me about it i will tell him exactly how i feel. i will tell him hes dead to me. and i know he could kick my ass but i could honestly say if he drove me to it id probably hit him. i highly doubt it will get to that situation i just want everyone to leave me the fuck alone and he better not consider me a friend because thats the last thing he is to me.
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(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2008|09:42 pm]
js0292
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

Well yesterday was my bithday I'm now eighteen years old. It scares me to know I'm an adult. I'm responsible for myself. Its been hitting me lately that I have no determination to do anything with my life. I feel like a sad sack of waste. College is going tough I dropped a class and then got dropped from a class. Things just aren't goig according to plan. On a different note I finally broke up with katie. I feel this is for the best. I just want to be alone for the most part. Maybe I stopped seeing arthur too soon. the winters coming and I'm starting to feel the exact way I fealt before. Its making me mad to feel the exact way I fealt last year and I can't control it or change it. I was hoping so bad that julie would wish me a happy bithday yesterday. No luck in that. I know I'm out of her life yet I still maintain her in mine. I like being by myself a lot more lately than being around other people. All my friends think I'm just a rude asshole by ditching them all the time but its far from that. I'm not enjoying much and I don't wanna be a drag on their fun. I just feel like there's no pressure and I can clear my head and be alright when I'm by myself. For some reason around people I just feel sad or enraged. I'm worried this emotion will stick around all winter.
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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2008|01:56 am]
js0292
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |winter by bayside]

I feel like the biggest piece of shit. I'm still dating katie its been over five months. I should have ended it long ago because I kno she's not the one for me and I find it hard to believe she doesn't know this. She's a great person and she doesn't deserve this. I'm just in a terrible state right now. I figured I would have been over julie by now and here we are ten months after we've broken up and I'm still infatuated with her. It scares me so much. Seeing her pictures even upsets me. She meant to much to me I've been so down lately feeling like no one will ever make me feel as good as she did. I reflect the times with her as some of my happiest. I feel like I'm falling back into last winters stance of saddness. The last few ays I've spent hiding in my room away from everyone. I don't know what puts me in this funk. It could be the suspense of seeing her saturday at briannas birthday party. The thought of it has been making me nervous the last few days. Its so stupid because I don't know what I'm expecting from this its just going to be an evening ending in me being sad. She has left me in the past. I wish I could leave her in the past. For now I just need to be on my own. I need to work on school and improving myself. I feel I've got potential for big things well see. Things haven't been all bad I can say. Last friday I went to the something in the mix premier at johnny cupcakes. Johnny cupcakes is a clothing line that originated in massachusetts by a self made man john earle drummer of this hardcore band on broken wings. I camped out with jeremy ryan and nick from 3 30 to 11 to finally go in the store and get these exclusive limited edition t shirt and to meet johnny cupcakes himself. It was a sick experience he's a nice guy he's down to earth hasn't let the fame go to his head. He made time to talk and sign autographs with everybody. I even got a picture with him. It was such a experience. I plan on showing my suppor tand going to the next premier as well. That was probably the best thing to happen to me of recently. I need to get sleep I got class at 10. I just needed to vent badly.
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summers over [Aug. 27th, 2008|02:08 am]
js0292
[Current Mood |coldcold]
[Current Music |ava- breathe]

me and nick are finally friends again we havent been for like 6 months but were back to being good friends. its feels great to talk and get everything out from the past 6 months. im glad i have him back hes been one of my best friends through out highschool. i start college next week im nervous. my car broke down and i have to wait two weeks to get it back so for now i just drive my moms car. when i get a steady job i plan on getting a new car anyways. seeking employment hasnt gotten any easier ive applied at many places yet theres still no luck. I've seen julie a couple times lately. i was with nick and christine and her were stuck at the mall so we had to go get them. it was funny because i expected it to be so akward, yet it wasnt. it fealt good to talk to her and hear her voice. she texted me later that night saying it was good to see me. i guess were supposed to hangout soon i dont know how that will go. i still miss her. i cant believe all the stuff ive been through since her. she hurt me more than anyone ever has. yet im so forgiving. i dont have any hope of us getting together again. maybe just a bond of friendship. i still hope to find some one someday that will take away the pain shes inflicted on me.
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(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2008|01:42 am]
js0292
[Current Mood |mellowmellow]
[Current Music |angels & airwaves]

Times flown but it still feels the same. I'd say things have changed though. I got a car and license. I need a job. Finding employments not easy. I'm sick of summer I want to be in school just so I have something to do. things have changed but I still feel exactly the same. I think about julie everyday. I bumped into her at the carnival and she wants nothing to do with me. Fealt like a stab in the heart but I can't do anything about it. I'm still dating katie its been 3 months. I like her but there's no connection I guess I just stay with her so I have some one its pathetic I'm not happy yet I stay with her. I want some one to come along and make me forget julie, but I don't think that will ever happen. I don't know what to do with myself. I need a change of scenery. I keep my hopes up everyday things have to change.
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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2008|10:35 pm]
js0292
[Current Music |new found glory- familiar landscapes]

so i passed my GED with ease. next week im headed off to go take the college placement test at STCC it should b as easy as the GED so im told. Im dating this girl named katie. shes really awesome and fun to be around. shes a nice girl and shes really cute. The down side would be im not even sure if im over julie. it's so fucked up when you miss somebody who wouldnt even give a shit if you died. i guess it gets easier everyday looking back at what it fealt like the dya we broke up. i just hope one day i can be over her because just hearing about her ruins my day. was it really love? i guess i will always ask myself that. things are going good though for the most part. i got things in motion lets see how long we can keep things going.
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2008|02:58 pm]
js0292
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]

so the past 3 weeks ive finished my onroads and i took my GED i gotta wait 2 weeks to get my results from the GED test. Im relatively sure that i passed it. things are going alrite i guess ive been put on anti depressants i dont even know if its working. the last week all my friends were on april vacation so i was with them a lot it wasnt bad. not really much has happened recently.
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2008|04:11 pm]
js0292
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[Current Music |the spill canvas- kullaby]

So I guess I'm getting better I wouldn't really call it better tho I guess I'm just excepting things the way they are because nothings going to change. I'm just sick of feeling so alone. I really don't like most of my friends no one makes me feel any better. We never do anything every weekend we sit around and do nothing I'm so sick of it. The job hunt continues, no luck. I'm trying I need a job badly. Ged is in 2 weeks I gotta read this book ill probably start tonight. Everythings been going rough lately like I said I'm sick of everyone. I sat home all weekend and watched sweeney tood. I'm trying to disappear. It sounds stupid but I probably won't be their friend much longer anyways once I get my license I'm doing my own thing. And when I move in november I'm not going to want to drive from west springfield to wilbraham/ east longmeadow every weekend that's just a waste of gas. Once I pass this GED things will be in order because then ill be enrolling at HCC so come september ill be in HCC. So that's getting settled and I got 3 onroads left once I finish those up I'm set to get my license july 8th.
I'm getting things in order. I just wish I had some 1 with me who cared and wanted to see me succeed
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